April Showers

Before April showers have a chance to bring those May flowers, it brings a flood of memories from the saddest day of our lives.

Katie's Day.

Her story is here, please forgive my heart, I don't have the wherewith-all to retell it at the moment. I hope you  will go read it...

I hesitate to use the words "easy" and "better" because neither are adjectives for the loss of a baby - but in regards to the years, some are better than others. This Friday marks number 12. A dozen years since my only daughter was born and died.

During the day I am taking extra measures to doll up the exterior to hide the grief on the interior. Seems superficial I know, but you learn what works and what works for me is smiling. It keeps the lump in my throat down. The tears flow at night when the kids have all gone to sleep and I'm safe in my husbands arms.

Almost always I take the day off. Unfortunately, this year, I will be working because the income is really important. Bright side: it's a Friday.

I am very good at self-control but I'm human and if ever a person deserves a day to be completely self-absorbed mine would be Katie's Day. My emotions on April 15th of any year run the gammit from melancholy to you-don't-wanna-eff-with me. My heartache becomes a scale by which I measure everything selfishly.

I could've asked for the day off in advance except that would've required an explanation. I'm not good at those on "the day of". For me,on any other day of any other month, I can talk about it. April 15th rolls around and I don't want to share and I don't want a hug and I'm not looking for pity, just space. Space (and grace) to be a big fat hot mess so that the rest of the year I can be normal. Whatever the hell normal is. 

I'm lucky to have some beautiful friends back home that know this about me.

Friends that knew us then.

Friends that where there at the funeral.

Friends that still go to Katie's grave and leave flowers because I can't from 3000 miles away.

Friends that don't just go on her birthday & friends that know that texting me pictures of her little headstone is what makes me smile, not cry.

Friends that provide the strongest support system anyone could ask for.

Truly-amazing-awesome-no-holds-barred-got-your-back-loyalty type of friendships are rare, but they are forever.

These are a couple I have received in the past year....

Instead I will ask for Max's birthday off to celebrate his awesomeness. He was born 1 year & 2 weeks to the day after his big sister. He's my lifesaver, my rainbow after the storm.

Yeah, I'd have to say I'm blessed in the 'son' department.

(Me: Ok, pose like Brett Michaels! Them: Um, who is Brett Michaels?) 

(Me: Does it hurt? Him: You know how they say there is no such thing as a dumb question? Well...)

~~~

April Showers ~ Sugarland

Eleven Years...

.....ago today Kaitlyn was born and passed ~ making it the single worst day of our lives and the beginning of a very dark period.

One year and two weeks to the day later came Max. He is my little life saver in more ways than I can count.

I just wanna take a second and say I (we, cause Mr. Jones counts too) have some of the worlds most amazing friends in this life who were there for us then and continue to be now. Along the way I have also collected new friends that are just as beautiful. All of them somehow manage to get that this day is an emotional roller coaster and they offer words of love, encouragement, and honestly, I don't know how I got so lucky. Each and every one of you is a blessing.

Only one person has managed to be hurtful today - out of indifference not outright meanness - but still, the sting lingers. Part of me wants to give that person a little grace, but the other part of me says screw 'em - save the grace for someone in need. Today? I'm listening to the other part of me. If the concept of compassion is lost on them, my itty bit of grace isn't gonna make a spitball of difference.

Lesson today: Do not let the stupidity of one person stifle the flow of love from so many others.

cherishing katie still, always

Kaitlyn Cristina Jones would be 10 years old today...

years do not remove the heartache or pain, it is as real and alive as though it happened today. but then, i don't think i would want the sadness to lessen - for that might mean forgetting. or letting go. that would be worse. the need for this childs existence to be recognized is very real, very raw, and ever so strong.

the day we learned the baby i was carrying was a girl was the day we named her. from then on, throughout the entire pregnancy (which was full term) she was known as Katie Girl.

but after her silent birth people - loved family & friends even - started referring to her as "the baby".

why?

why couldn't they say her name? what were they afraid of?

katie died because of a congentive heart defect - her 4 chambers were not 4 seperate chambers but 2 large areas...not condusive to life.

the million dollar question is always: how, why, was her heartbeat nothing but strong & regular at every check up?

because a broken heart is still a heart.

she was also determined to be down syndrome. neither of these things were noticed during the pregnancy, and i guess i am glad they weren't. she lived her entire existence inside of my body. and then she went to heaven - where i imagine she waits for me and the rest of our unruly family to one day meet her, hold her.

there is no other feeling like the movement of an unborn child. it's closer than someone touching you from the outside.

who knew that last little kick the day before meant good bye? that there would be death before her first breath?

i never held her in my arms...

or felt her softness...

or counted her toes...

craig did these things...

i was afraid...

i might never have let her go...

i don't even know the color of her eyes...

were they blue like mine?

or brown like her daddy's?

a mother should know...

i can only wonder...

9 months of anticipation...

picking out a crib & pretty pink clothes...

only to be replaced by a tiny white casket.